As I sit here on Mother's day this year
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As I sit here on Mother's day this year I have wanted to rebel through anorexia partly because the craziness of a neighbor causing drama, court trial coming up, and the stress of juggling so much on my own, but also because I simply miss starvation as means of coping. This painting speaks volumes to me as she struggles in carrying the "weight of the world" on her back while still having to "drag" the animal, and while having to "depend" on her own child to help with her younger child all while walking through the snow in what appears to be thin clothing for snow weather. I feel all this metaphorically through my semi accident, daily pain, court ongoing now in the 70,000 range, juggling the boys wants and needs, while working a triggering job with abused children and maintaining a small apartment. And let's not forget that I am in recovery after 23 years of bulmia/anorexia.Anorexia All that aside this article is triggering in the sense that I was pretty much on my own growing up. No one to hold me, tuck me in, brush my hair, read to me, allow me to have princess dresses and feel pretty. We were locked out a lot and left without food, with abusive neighbors, and with my mom's abusive boyfriends. I had no sense of belonging (and still don't)but could never be mad at my mom so I starved and purged and exercised. Whenever there was mother's day, her birthday, or Christmas she never liked what we got her and let us know it. I never felt good enough and that I was always a disappointment. Still do. So for me, Mother's day is about my boys making me something at their school's and the muffins with mom I went to with my oldest and tea with mom with my youngest. I don't need or want gifts. I desire my kids not to live in fear, to feel my safe arms around them daily, to be able to be kids and enjoy the simple things. To be real and be able to come to me. I am just now learning this and embracing it because I need and want recovery~ Time to "do" your book! Hugs Joanna!