Yet you write to recovery sites. You put yourself near recovery work.
It may be that you are positioning yourself so that what you need is in place when your defenses fail and commitment to recovery is your best, maybe your only, remaining option.
It's possible that you, like many people with eating disorders, gather what you need for real recovery work in advance, often without even knowing it. Then, when you are ready to risk and go deep, reliable help is with you. Joanna
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