A big ask

I feel this way a lot. It feels good when something positive develops from the collision between thinking and feeling. 

One year ago I was in a crisis with my job.  I was working on a unit with a population of patients that was burning me out big time. As a case manager on this unit for three years, I had grown weary of the manipulations and borderline behaviors of the patients. many of them had abuse histories too, which was hard for me to listen to, secondary to my own history. 

i was growing more and more depressed. I would sit in my office paralyzed each morning afraid to face the day. My doctor started me on sedatives to help with my anxiety. I cried a lot. I stopped eating. 

My thoughts were "I need to push through this, I need this job. I can't quit". My feelings were "I need to do something different. I can't live like this. I need a change". 

i finally went to my boss and confided to her my anxiety, my fears - even my abuse history. I asked for 2 weeks off. I'm not sure where that number came from, I just knew one week would not renew my spirit. 

She obliged. When I came back I filled in on the geriatric unit for a week while a co- worker was on vacation. I LOVED it! When my friend came back we discussed switching units for a while. Come to find out, he was burned out on his unit and I am still working with my senior "babies". They are lost in another time, unable to remember one moment to the next. They love my hugs and when I rub their hands.

I love helping the families during this time of frustration and confusion. Just being there to comfort them and seeing their gratitude for the little I can do, makes my day.  I rarely experienced gratitude from the patients I worked with before - much less the families. 

I'm glad I made the decision to talk to my boss.  When thinking and feeling collided, I made a change for the better. And it still feels good!