In early recovery you have days or weeks when you do not use your eating disorder ways for protection and have not yet developed your mind and heart to cope with your feelings.
Your emotional pain can be excruciating and bewildering. And yet, this pain demonstrates not weakness or failure but courage and opportunity.
Please know that you wouldn't need your eating disorder to numb or distract you away from trivial experiences. In fact, the strength and power of your eating disorder is most likely in direct proportion to the fears, anxieties and untended developmental growth tasks within you.
Your pain is a sign of your moving away from dependence on your eating disorder and toward a life of strength and freedom.
It's a time when you need understanding and support, not to soothe or comfort, but to help you sustain yourself and bear what you thought you could never bear.
These words from thousands of years ago show that your experience is part of the greater human condition. You are not alone. And you are healing your way into your health and wisdom.
Even in our sleep,
pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop
upon the heart
until in our own despair,
against our will,
comes wisdom
through the awful grace of God.
If you are in such pain now, share it. Talk with your therapist. Pitch at OA meetings. Pour your thoughts and feelings into your journal. Share it here in the comments if you wish.
If you've been through these experiences perhaps your words will help others to hang on as they move from numbness to pain to wisdom and freedom.
Aeschyles
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